Author’s note: I use the term “marriage” to connote an intimate relationship; any relationship that has a significant emotional overlay: i.e., parent-child, or “significant other” relationship, will also qualify.  Additionally, the article is predicated on the belief that the couple in question wants to remain in the relationship, and are trying to improve it.

 One of the most difficult activities in an intimate relationship is effective conflict resolution; “disagreeing, without being disagreeable”.  Most of us want our way, and many of us, either by inclination or training, or both, believe that we need to argue to get it!  We may have learned that “if I give in, I show weakness” or because of past relational problems, “I’m not going to allow anyone to treat me that way again” or, maybe we’re just highly competitive, and hate to lose.  In reality, when we engage in the argument, we’ve already lost!  Arguments, by definition, have a winner and a loser, and usually if we argue, we want to win; that may mean we’ll say or do whatever it takes to get our opponent (in this case our partner) to accept defeat. Most couples in this situation utilize what I call “surplus ammunition”; calling up historical issues or problems or behaviors to bolster our argument. When this occurs the conflict rapidly devolves into a rehash of these issues and problems, and the issue at hand (the original focus of discussion) gets lost.  The result is that nothing ever gets resolved, instead the dust settles, apologies for name-calling, or vulgarities, or aggression get made and accepted, and life goes on… until the next time. This pattern of non-resolution of issues is often the norm in relationships.  Destructive and ineffective as it may be, it is hard to break, and leaves individuals and couples angry, isolated, and chronically misunderstood.  There is another way. If a couple can make an attitudinal shift from argument to discussion, then they can learn healthier ways to communicate in their relationship. And though it may sound simple, it can be very hard work.

 The first step is to agree to alter the communication pattern to avoid the “win-lose” endgame.  Then the work starts. The couple commits to focusing on the “subject-at-hand” and confronting (gently, but firmly) attempts to divert by bringing up old issues. If the discussion becomes heated, the couple can agree to a “time-out” of ten to fifteen minutes, after which they return to the discussion. The time-out must be limited, and shouldn’t be used as a means to control the discussion.  In the early stages, this activity can be frustrating and exhausting as the couple struggles to break old patterns.  It is important to remember that nobody does this perfectly, it takes practice and a willingness to accept another point of view.

 The second step is to then learn to recognize our own “hot buttons” and where they come from.  Acknowledging that we react precipitously to certain words, or certain attitudes, allows us to work on changing old, destructive communication patterns.  Along with this we need to give and accept feedback regarding the provocative behavior of our partner.

 For instance, many of us have to have the “last word”, and have difficulty accepting a time-out; we will follow our partner from room to room rather than allow a “cool down” period. Or we will continue with behavior that annoys our partner in order to get a reaction. In any case, we need to recognize our part in starting or continuing the negative communication pattern.

 Some Basic Rules: (Frank’s Rules)

 I realize that I’ve barely scratched the surface in dealing with this issue; continue to watch this site for more on this topic.

 Hopefully, this information has helped, and not served to confuse you more.  Remember, changing a conflicted communication pattern is hard work; you may need the help of a professional.