One of the difficulties in establishing communication in a relationship is in understanding the differences between the sexes.  Boys and girls really are different! Males do not have the same range or variety of emotion that females do; this is due to the fact that genetically, we were programmed differently.  As the “hunter” part of the “hunter-gatherer” team, men needed to confront dangerous or unpleasant situations; it served no real purpose to be “in touch” with our feelings, if anything, it might be counterproductive!  Females had a different role; as the “gatherer” part of the team they were responsible for collecting roots, nuts, berries, herbs and other foodstuffs, managing the children, and developing a cooperative network with other women. This required a different skill set.

As I have noted in therapy sessions with patients, when God was handing out emotions, men got the small crayon box, while women got the one that holds 128 crayons!  Men rarely will use all eight of theirs, while women will not only use the whole box, but will mix some of the crayons to make new colors. 

In the 1980’s there was a societal movement that suggested that men really did not know how to access their deep-seated emotions, and needed to become more “sensitive” and aware of how to express them.  This concept has led to a great deal of frustration and more than a little confusion as men struggled with these ideas; today, it seems that perhaps this theory was incorrect.  Men really don’t have the repertoire of emotions that women do, or the language to communicate what we do feel; when pressured, men are likely to respond to the question “how do you feel about…? with “I don’t know…OK, I guess”.  We are not hiding or blocking our feelings, we just aren’t thinking about them.  If we do identify or express emotion, it is not with the layers of nuance that generally permeate a woman’s emotional response, but rather with either a burst of enthusiasm or release, or a muted reply.

It is also important to recognize that men and women process information differently.  It is known that there are approximately three times the connections between the hemispheres in the female brain relative to the male brain. This extraordinary advantage in data collection and analysis is comparable to the difference between a Pentium 4 computer and a 286 processor.  Women process information globally, while a male’s thought process is more linear. Women use this rapid and extensive data analysis to reach decisions and conclusions in a process we have come to describe as “intuition, while men process less information while utilizing a clear, sequential, “logical” thought stream.

These differences further reflect the historical role delineations.  Men focused on making objective decisions and negotiating directly with peers and subordinates; this requires information, interpretations, and impressions to be clearly communicated. Women needed to be more aware of their surroundings to enhance their “gatherer” skills and respond to environmental “cues” to protect themselves and their children.  Direct confrontation of males was dangerous; therefore a non-direct “manipulative” style was developed. (Bear in mind, the term “manipulative” is not use in a critical or pejorative context, but rather as a description or style of conflict resolution.  It was [and is] a survival mechanism.)  It also meant women would validate observations, feelings, and ideas through discussion or “gossip”; this was, and is, a means of transferring information, reaching a consensus, and establishing a consistent societal response. 

These differences have implications in understanding communication between the sexes. Men, who is used to a logical decision-making process, becomes easily frustrated by women, who often cannot easily or readily identify how she came to a decision.  The enhanced communication network between the hemispheres of her brain processed everything so quickly that the steps cannot be delineated.  Therefore the woman’s reply is: “it felt right”.  This also explains why when a woman is concerned or confused or uneasy about a situation she wants to “talk things out”.  Men, who want to “fix the problem”, are frustrated by the apparent rejection of viable solutions which they presented.

Understanding these differences can help avoid conflict by altering the expectations of the concerned parties.  Men need to recognize that women are seeking to clarify the issues and establish a consensus, while women need to recognize that men are more focused and goal-oriented.  Men need to recognize that women have a richer and fuller reservoir of emotions; women need to recognize that men do not have the range or the ready access to emotions that they do.  By establishing clear goals, and by recognizing these differences, communication can be enhanced. 

A second major factor in communication is the difference between how the different sexes access verbal information.  A recent study at the University of Sheffield, UK, (see link below) concluded that men actually process women’s voices in the centers of the brain which also process music. 

(Link to: http://www.discover.com/issues/nov-05/rd/men-hear-womens/)

Men process voice communication in the left hemisphere of their brains; women utilize both hemispheres of their brains equally.  This reinforces the information previously stated regarding rapid, global processing.  When listening to women, men are compelled to gather the information, then move it from the left to the right hemisphere for interpretation.  Apparently, men do not do this when listening to other men; they are able to directly process men’s voices.  This denotes another obstacle to communication between men and women.

It is also important to recognize the primary pathways that are used to receive and interpret information.  Some of us are visual learners, some aural, some tactile; recognizing how we best access information and how we most effectively communicate is vital.  If a visual learner is communicating with an aural learner, they may not be on the same wavelength; the result may be difficult or missed communication.  Learning how your partner, or co-worker, or child accesses information can greatly enhance the communication process.

The third major factor in relationship building is the recognition, communication, and negotiation of expectations.   Intrinsic in the idea of a relationship is the understanding that there will be expectations placed on each of the parties.  This is easily identified in the public venue; if I give a merchant a specified amount of money, the expectation is that he will give me the desired product.  I do not expect to get the product without paying, and he does not expect to get money without providing the product.  That is the nature of the relationship.  In personal relationships, however, the expectations are often poorly defined, and in many cases are not defined at all!  We often “expect” that the other person will know what we want, even if we haven’t told them; we use the expectation as a “test” (if they really cared, they would know what I want).  When our expectations are unmet, we become angry and resentful; in fact, that is how we realize that we had an expectation in the first place! 

When a couple decides to marry, they bring expectations into the relationship.  The man has expectations of himself as a man, as a husband, and as a father.  He also has expectations of his partner as a woman, as a wife, and as a mother.  The woman also has the same sets of expectations for both herself and her mate!  That means that there are 12 sets of expectations floating around in the relationship.  What are the odds that they match?  When a relationship gets into trouble, it is usually because the couple has conflicting or unexpressed expectations.  For example, if I believe my role as a husband includes playing golf on the weekends, and my wife expects that I will do yard work and home repairs, then we will be in conflict.  If I expect that when I come home, dinner will be ready and on the table, and she expects that I will come home and cook  it, then we will probably be in conflict as well. 

Our expectations in marital relationships are a product not only of our conversations and experiences with potential mates, and not only due to our observations of other examples, (i.e., movies, TV, books, etc.) but more importantly, our relationships with, and our observations of, our primary role models.  Our parents, grandparents, other family members, and close family friends assist us in forming our expectations of others and ourselves. That is why, as parents, we often hear ourselves mimic our own parents’ words or tone.  The issue is learning to recognize and effectively communicate our expectations.  Remember, they are often intrinsic, built in as part of our familial and social learning; therefore we do not even know we have an expectation, until it goes unmet, and we feel hurt or angry.  Identifying and communicating our expectations in a responsible fashion, and being open to the communication of the expectations of others, removes a major obstacle to intimacy in a relationship.

As always, I hope that this has served to enlighten and assist your communication, and not confuse or obstruct it. If poor communication is a major issue in your life, you may need the assistance of a professional to help clarify and resolve this problem area.